repeating myself

i don’t know why i was suddenly struck with the urge to write in my blog. maybe it’s because i am trying, really trying to make a comittment and follow through like i mean it. maybe it was the result of one of those endless conversations i had with myself. you know, one of those ones that doesn’t go well and contains a lot of shoulds and just make you feel even shittier for not having sprung into action before. good old negative talk. maybe it was the conversation i had with a friend last night that was a little bit like looking in the mirror. that person lacks the discipline it takes to follow through for even one day for the good of his health and his life. i am left to be the voice of reason and the person he calls in his darkest hours, the person he leans on for support. he will say he wants to change this thing, but he fails because it seems like he really doesn’t try. but he’s human, susceptible to all the same weaknesses and foibles. he’s mostly alone with only himself to motivate himself.

so i am trying again, yet again. i know it is also because i am having one of those “good days”, one that so far allows me to see and walk straight, get off the couch. i feel like i need to do everything in the window that’s been opened, and there’s so many things to do beyond the rudimentary grooming and feeding of myself. i don’t know if i’ll get to exercising but i do know that i’d like to because i am getting fat and i don’t like the way it looks on me. maybe it is just age catching up with me or a side effect of all the pills that i am taking, but i know for sure that living an almost completely motionless life surely isn’t helping.

i think about last year this time and i was going to be going to las vegas and i felt a lot of life was ahead of me, and now i find myself here. my life has stopped short and i never know what my day will hold when i wake up, and that’s not in a good way. My world will loop, dip and shift, my vision cascades and doubles. walking is extremely difficult, i careen through my apartment. when i don’t want to risk falling, i crawl. i am living in the grasp of it. i try to cope and work around it, when it’s possible, but it’s mostly what dominates my life. i feel vulnerable and weak.

i know the time i have to write is finite so i’m getting it down however inelegantly.  *sigh* things are starting to go sideways now so best to get this posted. uh….there it goes…..this tiny writing is impossible to read now that it is bobbing and weaving before my eyes. over and out.

it’s come to this

i wake up buzzing, my world off balance. i’m unsure whether i can make it out of bed or not. the hallmarks of a vertigo episode very obvious, but this new bully has been switching it up; making it so i can partially function for awhile, albeit poorly, and then it takes me down. hard. 

it would figure, this being the first day of holidays, a hopeful sliver of sun peeking through a gap in my otherwise dark sleeping space. so i gingerly push it and try my luck. the threat of falling is imminent so i am prudent about navigating my morning. i seek out surfaces to steady me and there’ll be no bending over  to retrieve anything, not until my world complete rights itself. doing that would ensure a swoon. sorry bijou, breakfast will be late.

this is the newest development in my life, a weird health issue that is like but unlike a condition that is documented but virtually untreatable by traditional methods. i’m already barely keeping the beast at bay by dosing with another drug and then there’s this. sexy name, vertigo that, but it is not pleasant. it’s bad enough i don’t want to get up most days and enter reluctantly into the life that is now mine, this bastard ensures i won’t. and not pleasantly by rendering me unconscious or anything like that. i am painfully aware of my situation as i dip in and out of a fitful consciousness while dealing what a few of hallmarks of it which are decidedly undignified.

i walked away from this for awhile and i’ve been able to manage some coffee, and got myself to dancing to an energetic track on songza so i think i’ll be OK. Not 100% but alright. Who’s 100% anyway?

I’ve formulated a loose plan for today. I’m going to put a smile on my face and go. It’s what I do. off i go.