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this thing

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drip drop

I haven’t found the voice that will allow me to craft a story in a way that I would feel compelling. Maybe it’s not really in my wheelhouse. Right now I scribble down this and that from the place that I know best. It’s not that I’m not interested in the world around me, on the contrary. I want to know everything, but what I’ve discovered about myself is that I’m not wired that way. I’m a generalist. I am knowledgeable around many subjects and continually seek to know more about any variety of topics that cross my path and pique my interest; constantly curious. You could view my assertion as a self serving excuse or something more but I am an intensely private person and engaging in this bloodletting is uncomfortable, as much as it is cathartic for me to set it down.  I apologize for this if you don’t really give a crap, but just pass it by if that is the case because I don’t give a crap either. This is my process, and yes this is a public forum, but I’m working on something here.

Don’t tell people how you really feel, they don’t want to know

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I was going to throw a post down in the limited time that I usually have that spoke to what is going on with me lately. It has amounted to my world thrown upside down. I’m not sure about that approach anymore. I’m sure anyone whose read the few posts I’ve written lately has a general idea and maybe that is enough.

What brought this on is a segment I watched on “Marilyn” yesterday. One of the guests was Robert Herjavec and he spoke of how he approached life and one of the things he said was that when someone asks you how you are you don’t say how you are truly, because no one wants to know. Following that, I suppose describing what is going on with my situation might be seen as beleagureing the fact. After this maybe I’ll  try to make things up or pull stuff out of my imagination using the inspiration cues from WordPress; see how that goes. If I can’t manage it, I’ll go back to what I know best, my limited life and what goes on in it. Perhaps there’ll be some drama when I attempt a walk to the grocery store on a no so great day.

Day before yesterday was one of those.  I probably shouldn’t have, but I had things to do. The energy it takes to walk a few blocks baffles me, after all I am one of those people who is used to walking with purpose, taking long strides to get to my destination. All bets are off now. The ground gallops and heaves and my whole body tenses in response, so maybe I’m working everything including my core. I don’t know. I just know that something in my brain is telling me to do this otherwise I might fall down, which strikes me as slightly ridiculous. I feel comfortable if I can run my fingers along something for reference, and sometimes when I let go it feels like a bit like leaping off a building into an abyss. Home is sanctuary, home is manageable. I can crawl if need be, and I’ve done it.

I asked my neurologist about all this why there are good days and bad ones and he said that I’ve done better than most considering all that’s gone one in my brain; there’s still bits of the offender left in my head doing whatever, scarring from knives and radiation and such. I was struck by the math when I left. It has been 24 years since this first began. I was surprised by what he said, maybe because he’s not exactly forthcoming. I thought I was just going to be soldiering on, status quo, simply managing my situation. What I didn’t ask him is why now. I know on earlier conversations we’ve had he’s basically said it was all the medication I’m taking and given the proverbial shoulder shrug. He did throw out the “S” word and told me not to be alarmed (or something like that because my memory is crap), but it was an out there possibility, not a distinct one, but something to keep in mind. Look at me, punning like that!

Time is up. Tomorrow (or the next time) maybe I’ll try something new.  I just realized I can still tweet like mad about me, me, me!!!!





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