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Category Archives: the mundane and the usual

About that inside my head thing…

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About that inside my head thing…

I read a lot of what others write and I voice small comments here and there; dispensing little crumbs and bits of opinion and rumination here and there, but I don’t give voice or life to the words of my own. I see lives being lived and expanding into new horizons and I feel mine becoming smaller, the borders of it closing in on me. I’m beginning to feel suffocated.

This is not what I imagined my life to be but I somehow feel helpless to do anything about it; I’ve been rendered immobile. Still I find myself unable to move from the sidelines and onto the playing field. Every new week I make small new resolutions to myself…Eat better, exercise more, get up earlier, leave the house but I am so busy getting in my own way stubbornly, like a reflex, I turn away or push back against the very thing I want to run toward. I’ve been working on how not to behave this way but instead of pushing through I feel as if I am receding further into a small prison of my own making. 

I’m not going to wax much anymore about this, for now. I’m putting it out there, for myself, to remind myself not to double back and backpedal but to slowly inch forward. Keep pushing. Put the words down, put it down there and dare to dream out loud.

Of this i know

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Of this i know

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oh, the things i do

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let me just say that i’m not crazy. i do however, get rather rabid around certain things and  just won’t let go. dog with a bone. lately it is recycling foodscraps in particular. my building is supposed to be participating in this program and have a bin out behind my building, but for some reason they won’t do it. the management company that runs my little 3 story walkup are already paying for it, so i don’t know what the reasoning is behind it.

it just sort of happened. one day i was cooking and had chopped up some veggies and i simply balked at throwing them in the garbage. next thing i knew i had pulled out a plastic container with a screwtop lid on it and started putting my compostables into it. when that was full, i got a freezer bag with a double zip and started filling that up. i have no idea how far this is going to go. it certainly is messing whatever aesthetic there is in my kitchen. it sits on my other recycling bin looking completely out of place.


so now they need a place to go. i have been scoping out the neighbourhood for a bin. i know a friend has one not too far away, and i asked him to lend me the container since he chooses not to recycle his foodscraps and it’s not in use. he deems that it would be too stinky an undertaking. i’m more of the mind that he’s lazy, but it is his perogative.

this is mine, so i keep looking. it doesn’t matter where i go, there is the clear reality that i will be toting stinky containers around with me once they are empty, so this is why i’m looking for one closer. point is, i’m becoming incredibly principled around this. and steadfast. it’s something that happens to me. sometimes it works out in my favour, but more often than not it blows up in my face, or in this case, possibly stinks up my small living space to no end.

there’s a part of me that reckons that if i hold out long enough, bug the city to bug the management company, maybe i’ll will out and they’ll put that g.d. bin out there and i can simplify the situation. i’d rather not trek my food waste around the neighbourhood to surreptitiously dispose of it under the cover of darkness, or boldly in the harsh light of day, proudly, i might add.

i wish i were this determined when it came to exercise or other parts of my life i seek to change, but right now, this is it.

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