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i want to say why me, but i know why.

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sometimes i forget about it. in fact, i often forget that it resides just below the surface simmering its desire to push through the surface. and then it breaks through and i am taken to a place where i feel at the mercy of something i can’t control. the pain is excruciating and all encompassing. it’s different now, and less predictable. i’m taking more drugs than ever now to keep it at bay and that still isn’t enough. it’s muscular, forceful, and capricious. i might just me walking across the floor that sets it off and staggers me to my knees as the electrical fists of pain hit me again and again.

i begin to approach life tentatively. i’ve been warned that i’m not the one who determines how i will do the most basic of things. wash my face, brush my teeth, eat and talk. when it’s really active i can’t perform any of this without incurring its wrath and bringing about excruciating reprimands in crescendos of electric pain across my face. it is utterly paralyzing.

try to explain this to a stranger. to the casual observer i look just fine, there are no outward signs that anything is amiss. the scar that runs the length of my head from nape to above my ear from surgeries to remove the rare arachnoid cyst that began all of this is hidden by my hair. i’ve explained and explained this, even once to an emergency room nurse who refused to accept a note i had scrawled while in the grips of the most debilitating episode. the doctors were worse, assaulting me with a whole host of narcotics for 8 hours eventually dismissing me out of emergency with not so much as a perfunctory good luck.

the beast is back.

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