over and over. say it loud, say it proud and maybe they will stick. these affirmations that are absolute and powerful and they are words that echo and resound in my head.
i've been talking with friends and even though i didn't want it, the questions came round to me and hit me close to home. why am i not? why do i persist? i can't explain it. i've been plagued with this inability to act when it comes to doing what is right by me ever since i was a child. i do not allow myself to be victimized but i have a perverse desire to please and ensure that everyone else is happy. it trumps my own needs. it is not a case of not being self aware. on the contrary, i am all too aware that i am all thought and no action.
i am appalled when i hear of people who persist in lingering in a situation which is clearly not right for them, going so far as to the point of no return. but i am plagued as well by a sense of committment mixed with guilt. i loathe how it makes me feel. it makes me feel weak and pathetic. and it is of my own doing. i have no one to blame but myself. why don't i just say "fuck it" and get on with it? why don't i, indeed? i know it would make me happier. be good for me. but i just don't…..there's a paralysis caused by the need to do right by everyone, even if it makes me miserable. and so i persist. the part of me that makes the decisions of when and what will be is the big bully part of me that cows the small voice that knows otherwise. and better.
i hang my head and sigh.
i put on a brave face and carry on.
keep calm carry on. it's what i've always done. until i get to the edge of the precipice and there is no choice but to jump.