i'm outside the local s/bux in the crisp, fresh air bathed in an unseasonable warmth offered up by a gracious winter day sun. of course i am enjoying it, but my mind is elsewhere. not on the fervent energy of the olympics. i can't help it but i'm revisiting an all too familiar place.
i am afforded stunning moments of clarity about the direction i
don't want to take my life. it has occurred frequently as i acquire paper cuts and kinks in my back of late. it's not fulfilling but it is barely sustaining me in my current situation. as i move through my working life, i have come to know the work that i don't want to do,
but where is the revelation that lights my path? there are obvious
choices, desires and dreams, but then it's the money. always the money. in the middle of the mundane task of putting my socks on i was struck yet again by the thought that if only I'd stayed put in toronto, I'd be so much further ahead in my so-called life thus far, and inevitably more fulfilled. even though my life was imbued with some nagging discontent back then, the fundamental worries would have been taken care of. none of this pavement pounding, debt inducing, life drubbing drudgery that has been the status quo of the past couple of years.
it battered the relationship. it gave me pause; forced me to re-evaluate (yet again) my purpose and reason for being. it shook me to my core after i was stripped of all my dignity and pride. but life is like that. at least it is for me. i learn my lessons the hard way. i scrabble up the slippery slope only to slide back down to where i started from.
i didn't realize what sort of wrench i would throw into the machine with this move. i was so optimistic and it tripped me up. ironic. i arrived out here flush, money in the bank and relatively debt free. then the bubble burst, the repercussions were felt the world over and i was one of those swept up and churned out in the ensuing melee. and although I had no purpose or direction save for simply being here, i've never felt so powerless and desperate. timing is everything and mine is definitely off. if i had tried to fail i couldn't have done a better job of it.